a love letter to fear

a love letter to fear

hello? fear? are you there?

it’s okay, you can come out now.

i know we’ve had a tumultuous relationship,

but this time i want to thank you

for protecting me

from experiences

in which you were born from,

moments in time

in which i wish you had been present

so that i hadn’t been as bold

as to walk around with my spine exposed.  

in those days, you were but an infant.

not the warrior today

that I hide with an invisible cloak.

actually no, not hide.

that i banish to a land in which you

find your friends

sadness, anger, and anxiety

locked up so tightly,

screams of which can be heard

faintly in the background of thought

in a constant stream.

back when you were tiny,

i wished for sticks and stones

because i’d rather broken bones

than the words shaped like daggers

being aimed at me from every direction.

my body, mind, and soul took a nice pummeling

the likes of which you’ve tried to inhibit

from permeating my life again.

thank you for protecting me in the only way you knew how.

not only did you keep your best friend sadness in check,

you kept me from engaging in the world

with a target on my back.

these days i find you in the room with me

when i order a coffee

or go on a first date,

although i seldom notice when you are present.

how good you have become at shapeshifting.

i find myself wanting to turn my back on you

for continually fighting for my honor.

especially when the altercations

are often imaginary.

but i must remind myself

to hold you and respect you as the warrior you are

for fighting with the tools gifted to you through trauma.

it isn’t your fault you were born out of painful circumstances.

thank you for building the walls

i’ve tried to break down with my bare hands and teeth.

but, will you trust me now?

if i promise to invite you to the party,

will you show up?

and promise not to show up uninvited,

or in disguise?

i know i’ve said that

emotions aren’t safe in a place like this.

but i’ve handcrafted  you a soft spot to land

with a door that will always remain open.

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